Motherhood

October 2009 ~

I thought this would be a good way to start this new blog - a glimpse into my life as a new mother. [The word still feels a little sticky rolling off my tongue.] My friend, Martha, described motherhood as the hardest and best job in the whole world. I think she was right. Constant attention to baby, dirty diapers, a messed-up sleep pattern, nursing, all come with the package. And that's the hard part. But I have to tell you... it is also amazing,...simply marvelous...seriously, every day you marvel at this little creature who's stolen your heart and become the center of your activities.

I had been thinking seriously - and a little worried too, I have to admit - about what it would be like, as I waited for the baby in those last days before Jayron was born. As we walked out into the parking lot with him in the car seat the day after he was born, I thought to myself, so this is it, this is our son and one of our family now, and he's our responsibility. For a moment there, it felt surreal. But when I looked at his face as we settled him into the car (I drove in the back seat with him), and observed how he clung for dear life unto my little finger with his whole small hand, I remember thinking: "how scared he must be, wondering, what is this new place. And not being able to see, what are all these noises around me, where am I?" And for the first time, I realized how insignificant my own fears were compared to his as I tried to see the world through his eyes, and imagine how he felt being born into this strange new world where everything was completely new to him. After all, this was his first day outside the little cocoon he had lived in for nine months.

During that first night, he couldn't sleep; he cried a lot every time we put him down, and he will suddenly flare his hands and grope around in the air whenever he awoke trying to hold on to something...anything. And when he couldn't find anything, he'll cry some more. We tried swaddling but he didn't like his hands tied into the cloth. He'll free them and start gropping. And that will set him off again. And of course we couldn't sleep either. And at that time, all I could think of was: "oh my gosh, what did I just do? This is scary; will I be able to do this? Why is he so fussy? What am I not doing, or doing wrong? And why am I in all this pain?" Golly, I was a sight to behold. Thank God for my loving and stable husband, who, as confused as he was himself, he did all he could to make it comfortable for everyone.

But in retrospect, a few days later as I tried to see through the eyes of this dear little creature who was surprisingly my son, I realized how important it was for us to make him feel welcome and secure in this new place, this new world, this new environment. It did not matter that we weren't pros at this new job of parenthood, but it mattered that while we followed the counsel the nurses gave us and all the books we had read, that above all we follow our instincts which came with all the love that flowed in us for Jayron. Yes, so many people ask, but how do you know when he is hungry, when he needs this and that. When the time comes, you will know because every day, the bond and silent communication that is formed that first moment you hold your baby in your arms only gets stronger and stronger with every passing day.

Oh, how I worried in the beginning...why does this umblical cord look so yukky, am I cleaning it too much, is it infected? Why is he crying even though he is fed and dry? Is he just colicky or does his stomach hurt? And so on. I seriously came to understand why a mother loses so much weight the first few weeks. And why people always ask you when they see that you are pregnant: "Is it your first?" But we took it a day at a time. And it just got better and more joyous as time went on. As you slowly settle into a routine, you marvel at the many little surprises he springs - one day he's able to actually see your face, and it becomes a love fest. He stares and stares into your face. And then one day he wants to feel (and put in his mouth) everything. Then he is growing bigger and the clothes start getting smaller. Then he is giggling in his bath tub as you pour water on his soft skin, then he is having a diaper explosion that you cannot possibly imagine would come from such a small person:) ... and so on. What a joy and a blessing, one we constantly thank God for.

No doubt, it takes dedication and your life will never be the same again. It will be a long time before I would again be able to leave the house, and just fill up my social agenda as I go - maybe I'll shop and then go see a movie, and then stop at a friend's... Now, I leave home and I have two hours to run all errands and then I need to return home to feed the baby. I need to use more time to get ready to go anywhere because the baby needs to get ready too. There is the extra diaper bag, etc. It is a whole new life. But it is an adventure and a loving and exciting one at that!